Sometimes happens that mother – daughter relationship is more like friendship. But kinship, especially in a close circle, is fundamentally different from friendship. In friendship, we are much less bound and more interdependent.
In too friendly mother – daughter relationship they thick as thieves from an early age of the child. They not only help each other at home, but also constantly go somewhere together, have fun, fool around. Is friendship between mother and daughter as good as it seems?
This approach to mother – daughter relationship was largely spread by the media, which showed girls in matching dresses and hats going to conquer shopping malls while having fun together.
But it’s just a beautiful picture. In fact, the subtext of such mother – daughter relationship is sad. Most often, these mothers in childhood were upset with their parents and want to give their children what they haven’t been given by their moms. It’s a simple compensation mechanism.
The fact that parents with children dress alike, share common interests and spend time together does not mean that these parents have no requirements and restrictions for the child upbringing. They are still responsible for his upbringing.
Parentification in mother – daughter relationship
The problem is precisely that in the case of pathologically friendly mother – daughter relationship, when mother refuses to be responsible for the child and his upbringing. It gives the kid freedom out of seemingly good intentions, but in reality it has much more bad consequences.
In addition to the fact that such a “free” child does not receive adequate support, which can be provided only by a responsible parent with his restrictions, he has to take responsibility for the parent and support him. This is the parentification.
In a normal situation, each of us plays particular role in family. According to psychologists and family experts, the goal of the life cycle is to change these natural roles. This applies to both parents and children, as well as grandparents and their grandchildren.
First we play the role of a child, we are loved, praised and played with. We are brought up and given much more than they take. Then the children grow up, become adults and have their children. They are no longer the center of parents’ attention, now they have to give and take nothing in return.
Parentification is a situation in which children, even the youngest, become parents to their parents. Such a pathological process is often the reason that parents can not establish an adequate framework for their children, to explain to them what is allowed and what is not.
Of course, there are some cases when such behaviour are not pathology. It is necessary to consider the situation in time. For example, mom’s temporary illness when she has broken her leg.
Pathology, when parentification is due to mothers’ need to meet her emotional needs. Joint shopping, hobbies, time spent with each other, lead to a mixture of roles between mother and daughter. An adult woman who should be responsible for the child and make adult decisions does not take it upon herself. She becomes a friend and loses her authority, influence, and respect for the child. It gives the child a freedom he is not ready for.
Take it right, there is nothing wrong with, for example, father and son playing in the same music band, or mother and daughter go to the theater together. However, when an adult wants to please a child or impose his interests and unrealized ambitions on him, then it is necessary to think whether this does not harm the child.
Aftermath of such friendly relationship
Parenting as well as blurred subordination in mother – daughter relationship between mother and daughter can lead to the situation where the child will lose the boundaries between childhood and adulthood. He will always feel free from duties, demands or responsibility for the consequences of his behavior.
In the first case, the child sees how his parent behaves and copies the behavior. In the second case, tired of playing parent role in childhood, he refuses to perform it in adulthood. In the third case, the child just does not know how to be responsible, the mother did not teach.
Every mother wants the best for her child, and does not want to offend him. Therefore, it is not always easy to put restrictions on it, especially seeing the tears and whims of the child. Well, being a parent is not easy at all.
Here is a list of what you should pay attention in the mother – daughter relationship.
- The daughter must know the boundaries that can not be crossed.
- There must be respect and understanding on both sides in mother – daughter relationship.
- Resolve disputes and misunderstandings as soon as possible. Too long silent days and unexplained problems fuel hatred and can create unnecessary quarrel between you. The daughter is not a friend to be sulked at, you are responsible of her.
- You need to forgive and admit your guilt.